It started sometime in 7th grade. I really just didn’t like where my life was going. I had so many changes going on then. I’m not the kind of person who handles change well. I started hanging out with friends more and I soon stopped. Then about a year ago, mid-way into my freshman year in high school I started again. This time it was mainly about a guy. I thought I loved him and he was both abusive and suicidal himself. Not only that, my best friend started doing cocaine and perscription drugs. Before I knew it I was cutting again, always on my left wrist. School ended and I was seeing my boyfriend more, he mentioned to me one time that if he found out that I was ever suicidal like he was or if I was hurting myself in any way he wouldn’t wanna be with me anymore. I told him that I cut and he flipped. At first he’d yell and bring me down even more and threaten his life against me cutting. He’d break up with me, tell me he still loves me, and that we’d get back together while he was with multiple girls. Although it was only less then a year ago, I repressed a lot of it and it all seems like a blur. I do remember when he’d hold me crying while holding my wrists telling me I cant do this anymore. I also remember being on the phone with him while he was telling he thought I was worthless and he was going to to kill himself, while I was sitting in the back of my closet banging the back of my head against wall in frustration, clawing at my thighs and whatever else my nails could catch onto because all I wanted was to cut when I promised that I wouldn’t. That was probably my lowest point. I told my mom about my mood at the end of the summer and pushed it off as just hormones, I never told her how serious it was, so I just dropped it. I realized I needed this guy out of my life since my mom wouldn’t help me. So I blocked him out of my life and slowly but surely let him go. Now I had to deal w/ my drug addict of a friend. He was getting worse and was trying to justify his drug use and at this point I was still cutting, a little less then I was before, but still cutting. One time when he was coming off of something he had taken he told me I was a cunt and worthless piece of shit, that doesn’t deserve anything. this set me off and he knew I cut. That was the last time I cut. It was some time in early December of 2011….. On November 11, 2011 I started dating this guy, he treats me like no one has ever treated me in life, he’s made me happy and literally treats me like a princess. I’ve never been this happy in my life. I still don’t see how I deserve him. Although, he doesn’t know that I used to cut and I do plan on telling him when the time is right…..
So I’m just here to tell you that it can get better if your willing to let things get better and be happy then they can and will. I don’t think I wouldn’t of ever have gotten better if it weren’t for me meeting my psychology teacher. She really made me see life differently and really helped me a long the way. So go find someone who won’t judge you and is willing to help. It may mean you have to remove people out of your life, I got rid of two of my best friends (one that I didn’t mention above) and a toxic ex-boyfriend. It gets better, you have to want it though. Make new friends who are good to you, and try to change the way you think. I’m not saying it was easy, because it sure as hell wasn’t and there’s times that I still want to cut. It’s been about 3 and half months since I last cut. Find something that you love and intrests you and will keep you from hurting yourself. Set a goal, make yourself and other people promises, and reward yourself for achieving getting out of this addiction.
Stay strong, and remember that your not alone, and that you don’t have to get better on your own.
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